I took a walk outside on a cold winter evening,lost in my thoughts until the sudden and strange scenery froze me on the pavement like a statue.I saw a familiar young man-neighbour who was walking very fast on the other side of the street and was talking and shouting to himself in panic.He was speaking these next words:» Oh,no,not again, please,I can't believe it,no,no,no……..I have enough of this shity life,enough!!!!!!«
His arms were flying around his head in evidence of helplessness and anguish.He seemed to be lost,tired of life and running away to nowhere.I stood watching him and for a moment I thought of running after him and ask him what the problem was. But no, I just stayed frozen on the same place for some minutes witnessing the event and I felt so much for him on the inside. Suddenly I was out of my head and strangely my heart felt warmer. He filled my mind with care and I even started to feel afraid that he might take his life after he has gone away into the night……. Maybe because I knew that fellow briefly and I could also feel his struggle in life. On the other hand I also realized that I carried similar feelings in my everyday life. What I saw transformed my personal worries and for a quick moment a sense of »me« felt unimportant in this world and it made me wonder about life and people again.
It was quite some time ago that quest for God and thirst for thruth overtook my life. The journey took me to several experiences of bliss and »high flying« states until the search for enlightenment ended due to the message of »non-duality« from various writers and teachers. Especially the message from a guy called Tony Parsons who organizes meetings in Europe,hit me very deeply in questioning the meaning of spiritual search in life. What happened was that all my effort for some kind of personal improvement gradually faded away and brought more peace in my troubled soul.My understanding of Advaita (non-duality) is that when realization happens (without any effort on a personal part),the nature of everday life continuous the same way like in the past,very ordinary and nothing special -so to speak.The only difference is that individual is no more lost in his stories about »me and my life« and the awarenes of something vast and much biger that includes that individual is constant.Speaking shortly, the sense of absolute reality and connectedness pervades the sense of being only the individual and separate person. Although the individual may still experience all kind of unpleasant emotions and moods, they dissolve in much shorter time and there is no more clinging to illusory self who dreams about living his life. This realization is also liberation from all sorts of fears and liberation from the constant feeling of being inadequate.Ultimately it anchors the dreaming individual in a peaceful observer of life that happens moment to moment spontaneously.
But that night I felt like this man shouting:»It's enough,no more,please….!« Isn't it true,that we all feel this kind of struggle most of the time? Like we have to fight for our breath to survive and meanwhile the breath we are taking in stays unnoticed!
Isn't it strange with all this people around us on the streets or bus stations,isolated and lost in their own world of thoughts? It might be just my perception,but hey- what are we really doing here and where is the final line beetwen our desires and fulfillment?
What struck me that night was the well known human condition we can't ecape from- psychological suffering which connects to a feeling of being born into this word and into this body…..It seems no matter how much experience or wisdom we attain through life,some emotional pain is simply unavoidable.
A well known Japanese Zen poet wrote the next verses about the loss of his loved ones :
This dewdrop world-
It may be a dewdrop,
And yet-and yet….
Or the recorded verses from a famous tibetan meditation master :
Such an illusion this life we live,
But the death of my child- this is a super illusion...
So safe to understand it intelectually,but when it comes to a practical application the circumstances prove it all the other way round.Suddenly the pain is too much and all the instructions from various teachers in terms of non-attachment and equanimity swim like sign posts written on the water:beautiful to look at but impossible to touch or use for relieving.
Walking home I started to recite mantra for that fellow,wishing him well.I also thanked him in spirit for empowering my will to start writing again.
And the most precious thing we all look for- a recipe for safe and steady individual life disappeared from my mind again.
It was quite some time ago that quest for God and thirst for thruth overtook my life. The journey took me to several experiences of bliss and »high flying« states until the search for enlightenment ended due to the message of »non-duality« from various writers and teachers. Especially the message from a guy called Tony Parsons who organizes meetings in Europe,hit me very deeply in questioning the meaning of spiritual search in life. What happened was that all my effort for some kind of personal improvement gradually faded away and brought more peace in my troubled soul.My understanding of Advaita (non-duality) is that when realization happens (without any effort on a personal part),the nature of everday life continuous the same way like in the past,very ordinary and nothing special -so to speak.The only difference is that individual is no more lost in his stories about »me and my life« and the awarenes of something vast and much biger that includes that individual is constant.Speaking shortly, the sense of absolute reality and connectedness pervades the sense of being only the individual and separate person. Although the individual may still experience all kind of unpleasant emotions and moods, they dissolve in much shorter time and there is no more clinging to illusory self who dreams about living his life. This realization is also liberation from all sorts of fears and liberation from the constant feeling of being inadequate.Ultimately it anchors the dreaming individual in a peaceful observer of life that happens moment to moment spontaneously.
But that night I felt like this man shouting:»It's enough,no more,please….!« Isn't it true,that we all feel this kind of struggle most of the time? Like we have to fight for our breath to survive and meanwhile the breath we are taking in stays unnoticed!
Isn't it strange with all this people around us on the streets or bus stations,isolated and lost in their own world of thoughts? It might be just my perception,but hey- what are we really doing here and where is the final line beetwen our desires and fulfillment?
What struck me that night was the well known human condition we can't ecape from- psychological suffering which connects to a feeling of being born into this word and into this body…..It seems no matter how much experience or wisdom we attain through life,some emotional pain is simply unavoidable.
A well known Japanese Zen poet wrote the next verses about the loss of his loved ones :
This dewdrop world-
It may be a dewdrop,
And yet-and yet….
Or the recorded verses from a famous tibetan meditation master :
Such an illusion this life we live,
But the death of my child- this is a super illusion...
So safe to understand it intelectually,but when it comes to a practical application the circumstances prove it all the other way round.Suddenly the pain is too much and all the instructions from various teachers in terms of non-attachment and equanimity swim like sign posts written on the water:beautiful to look at but impossible to touch or use for relieving.
Walking home I started to recite mantra for that fellow,wishing him well.I also thanked him in spirit for empowering my will to start writing again.
And the most precious thing we all look for- a recipe for safe and steady individual life disappeared from my mind again.